Oh, I have a blog?

Oh hi. Sorry to the five people who read this blog; it almost appears that I had fallen off of the face of the earth for a sec. Truth is, this week has been so exhausting for some reason. The weird thing is, is that nothing is different though.

Absolutely nothing interesting has happened. I haven’t been anywhere cool, done anything awesome, seen anything worth repeating. I don’t know what happened. I just went to work, came home, ate, and went to bed. Got up the next morning, repeat. Fun stuff, huh? No. Not at all.

That’s life though. As for our current financial situation, we can’t allow ourselves to go out on the weekend,and go eat at like Outback or something. We pay bills, we buy groceries, we have enough for gas til the next pay period, that’s it. It’s depressing, but it is what it is. That’s the life of the average American family. Since the economy sucks ass, and gas is as ass-raping expensive as it is, that’s what ya have. Just enough to get by. And you’re happy with it. But what happens when you’re not happy?

I think about that all the time. I wish I could create something, write something, draw something, say something, that would get me noticed, get me paid, just a little maybe. But isn’t that the dream of everyone? Isn’t everyone thinking the same thing I’m thinking? Well, not everyone. You have to dream first I suppose. Not everyone does though. Some people go through life, accepting what they have and not expecting more. That’s the mentality of most everyone I know, namely my parents. They’re pretty content with the mostly comfortable life they have. Medial home, two cars, a couple TVs, internet, jobs. They’ve got it good compared to most. They didn’t always have it that way, which is why I think they’re so ok with it. But when I look around at my life, I always wonder “What have I done to get myself here?” The answer is always “nothing.” I haven’t done anything. See, I have this self-depreciation thing about me. I always down myself because I didn’t go to college when I graduated high school like everyone else I knew. I just went to work. I had bills. I didn’t want to live at home, so I did what I needed to do and moved out. I met GP when I was 17, and we started dating a few months after I turned 18. I eventually moved into his place about six months later, and I’m still here six years later. There’s a 14 yr age difference between us. People liked to say in the beginning that all I was doing was dating him to have my bills paid. I wish it were that easy. I was always paying at least half of everything. That’s not my style. I make my living, whether you help me or not.

The fucked up part about it was that I had money to go to college with, but I had money to go to a technical college with, not a uni. And I just said “fuck it” and didn’t go. And I have kicked myself in the ass ever since. I get really depressed at times now, thinking about what my life hasn’t become. I knew I would always go to school, become something great, and really make a name for myself. But, I’m almost 24 years old, and nothing to show for it. What the hell.

Everyone tells me I can go back to school, I’m young, there’s still time. I suppose there is, but going back to school is easier than it sounds. You need money to go back, and time above everything. Things I don;t have. And trust me, financial aid won’t help. Already tried that route. They expect me to get my parents to help me pay until I’m 25, and they won’t. That’s the funny part; they’re comfortable, but not good off enough to help me with school. Thanks American financial system.

I don’t know. I know I’m going to eventually go back to school. How, I don’t know. I just really feel bad about my situation sometimes. I just wish I knew how I was going to make a name for myself, so I could fucking start doing something about it.

Can you tell I’ve been kind of feeling sorry for myself lately? Yeah, I’ll stop ranting now. I promise to blog some more. I’m gonna try to get out for a run today when it cools off some. It’s starting to cool down since September has come around. And this coming weekend, I have a wedding, and a big concert to go to! So I’ll be reporting on that… 🙂

Just got to get though the work week.

Dy-no-mite. Dy-no-mite.

Ok. There’s only so much I can take of summer anymore. I can’t express to you how much I loathe hot weather. I mean ABHOR it. Fuck hot weather, fuck swimming, fuck boats, fuck bikinis, fuck being outside when it’s hotter than 75 degrees. I figured once it hit September it would start to cool down a bit.

Nope.

It was a good ol’ 91 degrees today. UGHHHHHH. STOP ITTTTT. Please, for the love of everything good and holy in the world, COOL DOWN. FUCK YOU, SUN. With a sandpaper condom. I went to go get Chinese today, and AS SOON as I stepped outside, the sun as beating down and my car felt like a sauna. Walking from my car to the Chinese place (all of 100ft) felt like I was trekking across the fucking Mojave. Came back home, and walked inside, and felt like I immediately had to turn on all ceiling fans and bump the temp down from 74 to like 71. I felt like I couldn’t cool down. And to think I actually thought I would go running today! Ha!

So, on “not hot outside” news, I have done absolutely jack shit this weekend. I can honestly say I totally wasted three good days to get anything done and have nothing to show for it. All I did was lay around, whine about being bored, wash some clothes, and eat. Come to think of it, that’s how I spend every weekend…

So, GP and I watched Black Dynamite earlier, and I have to say, I haven’t laughed that much at a movie in a long time. The director and writers did an amazing job getting the culture perfect, and the writing was spectacular. If you’re not familiar, Black Dynamite is a series that airs on Adult Swim as a cartoon, but before it was a cartoon, it was a parody of a Blaxploitation film that featured an ass whipping, crime fighting badass named Black Dynamite. He basically goes around whipping ass to find who started selling and distributing “Smack” around his community and children. The movie is a complete comedy, and very much rated R, and it packs so many laughs that my sides were hurting. You have to have a sense of humor…if you’re one of those who are so uptight and politically correct that you could make a diamond if someone shoved coal up your ass, keep on moving. Need a good laugh after you’ve put the kiddies and elderly to bed? Black Dynamite is your movie!

Well, I’ve got plans to COMPLETELY run in the morning. COMPLETELY. Like TOTALLY get up in the morning and run. I’m serious. Stop rolling your eyes. As of right now, I’m watching Halloween: H2O for some reason (GP put this shit on, he’s a major Halloween series fan) and I’m writing to you good people. I think we’re just watching random shit for the rest of the night. We also watched Dragon: The Story of Bruce Lee earlier. Good movie. I don’t think I would watch it again though. I also DVR’ed a BUNCH of No Reservations earlier. There was a marathon on, and I just couldn’t resist. This is the last tour, damnit!!! I don’t know what I’m gonna do with no more of my baby’s daddy Anthony Bourdain. Le weep.

Have a good night!

Sketchy, sketchy Kim.

Oh my god. What a wonderful start to a Saturday. Football is on the tellie, and food is cooking. Well, water is boiling, but none the less. We’re having sirloin filets, garlic mashed red potatoes, and mac n’ cheese. I’m starving, after I basically didn’t eat any real dinner last night; it consisted of chips, ranch dip, and a cheese ball. Needless to say, I felt like absolute shit this morning, but what are ya gonna do. Fuck it I say!

So, on a non-football note (there needs to never be such a thing as a non-football note) I have something to touch on that I found, well, to say the least, FUCKING TERRIBLE, with a side of fame-whoring. GP and I listen to the Kevin and Bean podcast from KROQ out of Los Angeles, and our very favorite Ralph Garman reported on a story I thought I HAVE to tell you fine people about.

If you’re unfamiliar with Kim Kardashian you live under a fucking rock you’re fortunate. Somehow you have made it through life pure and good, and haven’t been tainted by her or any of her fame-whoring family. Oh, what is Kim Kardashian famous for, you say? Let me tell you: A FUCKING SEX TAPE WITH WASHED UP R&B ARTIST RAY-J. Yeah, THAT Ray-J, the little brother of much more successful R&B singer Brandi. Somehow after that shit was released some years ago, people mistakenly thought she was somewhat attractive, and she instantly became a celebrity. For what, I have no idea. I guess people put her on a pedestal because her FATHER was the more famous one. He was Robert Kardashian, OJ Simpson’s lawyer during the famous case for the murder of Nicole Brown and that other guy. Well, the morons people over at E! Television decided that her family was time-worthy, and gave her and her family their own show, Keeping Up with the Kardashians. No, I’m not linking that piece of garbage. Shut up. Her mom is married to Bruce Jenner, an Olympian from the seventies, but you would never recognize Bruce. He has been L.A.-ed over the years and looks like someone’s overly Botoxed grandmother.

From left to right above, that’s a yeti Khloe, Kourtney, Kim, Kris, and Bruce. There’s a son Robert Jr. and two other daughters but who cares. Anywho, Kris is Kim’s manager. Remember that.

Well, Kim is now dating Kanye West. If you don’t know who Kanye is lucky lucky you, he’s a super-star rapper and mega-douchebag. Kim is a fame-whoring stain on society, so they’re a match made in reality TV heaven. They both make more money than God, and don’t have the common sense God gave a fucking doorknob between them. Well, Mr. Ralph Garman reported the story stating that Kanye decided Kim needed a new wardrobe makeover (the monetary cost of her entire wardrobe could feed a third world country for a fucking year), and they promptly got rid of all of her clothes to make room for new ones. Well, to not look like a complete cunt I guess completely ungrateful, Kim decided she was going to auction off and sell all of her old clothes on eBay and Craigslist. Ok, fair enough, she does have some cute things out of the bunch, but where you’re gonna find some working prostitutes with big asses that can afford her clothes is beyond me. In addition, she added that 100% of the proceeds would be donated to her church! Wow! Look out, we’ve got some charity over here! That’s really nice of her! Donating all of the money to her church was really nic-

WAIT A SECOND. Back the fun bus the fuck up. Where does Kim Kardashian go to church? Not some run of the mill plebeian church, surely. Well, Ralph said he looked up the church, and low and behold it’s here: http://www.lifechangecommunity.org/. Hmm, ok, seems like kind of a small church for the bigger than life Kardashians to attend…WAIT. If you read closely, looks like this church was founded by a pastor and Kris Jenner. KRIS JENNER?! Isn’t that Kim’s mom?!! Yep, sure is. So, all of the donations from Kim’s clothes go to the CHURCH KIM’S MOM FOUNDED. What?! And the church meets in the Sheraton in Augora Hills CA. Now, in case you fine people don’t know, Kim appeared on the Piers Morgan show last year I believe, and was quoted as saying this: “I give 10 percent away to the church and that’s what I was taught. Every year.” (source) Now, Kim Kardashian grossed over $18 million dollars last year according to Forbes Magazine. 10% of $18,000,000 is $1,800,000. That church gets that EVERY YEAR. Just from HER. Now, my question is….A. Why is that church still so small and B. Why are they meeting at the Sheraton,and not in their own building. They obviously have way more money than they know what to do with. On top of all of the money they’re cashing in from her selling all of her clothes.

This whole thing just seems really fishy to me and it’s not her va jay-jay I’m smelling. As you know, churches are non-profit organizations that are non-taxed. Hmmm… Something’s just not sitting right with me. I feel like something is going to come of this hopefully the cancellation of their show, I just don’t know what yet. But feel sure, as soon as anything pops up, I’ll be the first to let you know.

After all that fame-whoring exposure, here’s a pallet cleanser, a nice pic of Batman:

Just pretend Robin is Kim. All is well.

A quick college football lesson.

Hole-lee SHIT. I have been run fuckin straight RAGGED today. Today was the single busiest Friday I’ve worked since I switched offices back to my hometown instead of the one thirty minutes away. We were anticipating it being pretty busy since its a holiday weekend, and the people who get 1st of the month get up, get up checks and third of the month checks got theirs today instead of Monday. So, we had everyone who was regular paycheck Friday, and first of the month people all in one day. Oh. My. Godddddd. Dani is tired. Dani is really, really tired. I have sat down a grand total of probably five times in a twelve hour period. But you know what? I get paid extra for overtime, and it’s FUCKING FOOTBALL WEEKEND, BABY!!!!! YEAHHHHH!!!

Yes! Carolina vs. Vandy (Vanderbilt) was last night ( Carolina won, damnit), Tennessee Vols vs. NC State wolfpack is on right now (GP is from Tennessee and he pulls religiously for the Vols, and they’re winning!), and my born and bred team Clemson tigers vs. Auburn tigers are tomorrow. It feels so good to have football back. I feel so empty during the off season, football is our favorite pastime besides talking shit and watching nerd shit. We go to games, and football here is a religion; EVERYONE has a team they’re loyal to and they are religious about pulling for them. Here, it’s divided between Clemson University/University of South Carolina, so you have Tiger fans and Gamecock fans. I am a devout Clemson fan, and I have several Gamecock friends. We talk shit to each other on game day and we love each other none the less. It’s just the way it is. And I really lucked up with GP, since Tennessee’s colors are orange and white, and Clemson is orange, purple and white, everything we have is orange! Very convenient when buying things.

So, when footballs starts, I always make very unhealthy snacks, as per tradition. I made a cheese ball (cream cheese molded with chopped green onions and dried beef) and ranch dip. We had already devoured the cheese ball before I could snap a pic, so here’s the ranch dip:

Yeah. Not healthy at all. But who gives a shit? It’s football season. Fuck it.

So, that’s my plan for tonight.We’re watching the rest of this game, screaming obscenities at the TV ( I get really into the plays called and stuff, and threaten the lives of the referees) and then crashing out once I remember how exhausted I am. I’ll post something more informative tomorrow, I promise. don’t hold your breath.

ENERGYYYY.

Well, this is unfamiliar. Well, not so much unfamiliar as I haven’t felt it in a long time. Soreness. Especially my hips and thighs. I don’t know about you, but I love feeling sore. Makes me feel like something actually worked. As opposed to NOT doing anything and feeling comfortable. Lazy.

Anywho, for some reason, I have always had a love hate relationship with breakfast. I’m not a morning person AT ALL (I’m trying to change that) and I’ve always pushed breakfast off because I just never feel too good in the am. I dread getting up, and always vote to stay in bed as long as possible. I get up at the last possible second, so I’m always rushing out the door. So, of course, I have no time to eat anything, let alone cook something. In a perfect world, June Cleaver would make me breakfast and send me off with a good word and a kiss. Yeah.

So, queue pre-packaged breakfasts. You know, crackers, pop tarts, little Greek yogurts, granola bars, the like. Nothing that keeps you full until lunch, but something you can throw in your purse and go, that’s not a million calories if I can help it. Well, I think I found the holy grail:

Yes. The great people at Emerald have come out with these Breakfast on the Go packs. They have candied walnuts, yogurt bites, granola clusters, dried cranberries thats what the members of The Cranberries will be called when they do a reunion tour and peanuts. I have to say, they’re great! 180 calories for a pack, and I’m still full an hour later. A box of six packs is I think $4, so not too shabby. Score one for nuts. Haha.

I also figured out I have GOT to stop drinking sodas again. It’s so hardddd. I love diet sodas like its nobody’s business, especially Diet Coke. Diet Coke has been there for me through thick and thin, good and bad, it’s my best friend. If I could have it intravenously, I absolutely would. I love it that much. Partly because I’m completely addicted to caffeine.

So, I discovered the next best alternative, energy shots!!

These things make me feel GREAT. And by great, I mean bouncing off the walls on cocaine hyped up, which equals great in my book. When you go through life as naturally un-energized as me, this is a welcome blessing. I know they’re not great for you, but who cares. I feel AWESOME.

WELL, everybody have a great rest of the day, I’ll be back later. Also: football officially starts tonight!!!! Squeee!

Running solo.

I actually went out running by myself this evening once I got home after hitting the grocery store. The reason was that I also hit the shoe store before I hit the grocery store :). I bought some hawt orange laces to go in my pretty purple Asics:

Clemson football ready, baby. I felt really good about my shoes, so I determined the best thing to do about it was run in them, duh. After last night’s disastrous attempt, I decided that I really didn’t need to do any kind of recovery since, well, I didn’t have anything that needed recovering. It stopped raining for a while, so I got in the car and headed for the high school track.

Umm, yeah, football is back in season. The track was full of high school boys, and I wasn’t about to ask if I could share the track. Cuz that’s inappropriate and creepy. I don’t want to be THAT girl who creeps out of the high school boys. Ewww. So, I parked my car on the other side of the school, and just started walking around the outside perimeter of the school. The people who don’t walk or run on the track walk around the outside of the school. So I fired up the Couch to 5K running app, and started. It was uber humid outside, but it started to cool down after about five minutes. It felt pretty good, way better than that treadmill felt, and I felt confident about the whole thing. Well, about ten minutes in, I felt like I was going to die.

The good thing about running outside is that you have shit to look at and distract you. That helps me A LOT. I get really caught up in how much it sucks, and I instantly start telling myself to quit. If I have something to listen to or look and concentrate on, it works because the time passes and I don’t mind as much. When I circled around the parking lot, and got next to some trees, I notice something…..YES! The leaves are falling off of the trees!!

Fall is near, bitches!!!! I couldn’t be happier. Oh my god I can’t express to you how much I hate summer. I’m not built for summer and hot climates. I always feel way more comfortable when I’m cold rather than hot, and I’ve never had the body type to wear cute summery clothes, ie skimpy shit. Yeah, give me 40-50 degrees and a jacket and jeans any day. You can keep your skirts and bikinis.

Well, GP just called and told me I have to start the food before he gets here so he can finish. He’s making philly cheese steaks :). And I’ve got some clothes to finish. Fucking laundry.

Here’s a bonus in action shot of my feet:

Enjoy.

 

 

 

My choice in dishes.

Lunch time!

I can’t express how much it absolutely RAWKS to have an apartment so close to my work. I can walk home for lunch everyday and do some laundry, eat, AND watch Maury all in an hour. So awesome.

So, I’m sitting here, and I’m eating my turkey sandwich, and I notice that the plate I grabbed was one of my favorite plates. See, instead of picking a set of dishes that come with dinner plates, bowls, pie plates, and such that all match, I like to just pick up random ass dishes whenever I see something I like. Nothing matches. At all. And I like it that way.

See example A:

Ha. It says douchebag. I didn’t say they were kid friendly. I also have one that says “asshole” in a pretty black and white spiral pattern. Thanks Urban Outfitters. Shut up, I’m NOT a hipster.

So, I finished my sammich and went to go take the towels out that I left in the dryer since last night. (If clothes are still in the dryer by the time I go to bed, you can forget it. See you tomorrow, clothes.) So, I’m doing some towels and folding and such, and I look down at the floor, and to me it looks like clothes are just taking over my washer! It seems like for two people, the clothes never seem to stop piling up. Gaaaah I hate laundry.

See example:

Completely ridic. So, I finish the towels, and pile all these bitches into the washer, and I happen to look up, and notice my Chinese lantern. Then I thought to myself “I have to show these fine people my thrifted AUTHENTIC Chinese lantern”. A Chinese place was moving here in town, and I happen to drive up when they were taking stuff out. Me being me that can never turn down weird stuff to put in my house, I had to have this lantern! And they happily obliged 🙂

See that wicker shelf thing its hanging on? Yeah, funeral home was getting rid of it, so of course I took it. I’m terrible. My house looks like a World Market and a Spencer’s had a love child, and that’s where my apartment came from. Awww. It’s different.

What kind of weird shit do YOU have in your house?

My love for vodka.

Holy shit. I ran today. After work! My mom has a treadmill in her humble abode, and graciously let me have use of it, since we’re getting a shit ton of rain from Hurricane Isaac. (We’re getting residual rain and such from the edges of the storm- I’m in upstate SC, about three hours away from the coast, so we’re just getting heavy rain and such. It’s flooding in some places. Nothing major- so far.)

But of course nothing can go right, because it’s been so long since I last did any of my Couch to 5K training (about four weeks), I have become weak and mushy and soft, and couldn’t even run ON THE TREADMILL for the whole thirty minutes. I made it like fifteen. Seriously. I felt like a complete failure. I had no idea why I was so tired and wore out. My lungs even burned, and I was just spent. The only difference has been the entire time I’ve been running, I’ve been running outside. But I thought the treadmill would’ve been easier, since you kind of have the belt running for you. You use more effort running outside, since you basically propel yourself. I don’t know. I guess I just have to work harder, so I’m gonna try to get out tomorrow morning and see what I can do.

Sidenote- while we’re talking running, I have a hair accessory bitch. These things:

suck ass. I mean, they’re awesome in a way since they keep little hair pieces from getting all in my eyes, but I have to bobby pin the shit out of them to keep them in place. I’ve never come across ANYONE who can honestly say that they can just put one on, and it stays. And they even have the little no-slip grips on the other side of them! I just don’t get it. I think it’s maybe because I have a weirdly shaped head. Thanks genetics.

Also, another side note: Canned macaroni really sucks. I mean, really tastes bad. Don’t ever buy it. Trust me, I like a lot of gross stuff, but even I couldn’t find a taste for it. It just had this weird canned taste that you can’t cover up with any amount of salt and pepper. Ugh.

Also also: fun fact: My favorite brand of vodka (my favorite liquor EVER) is Absolut. So much so that I always have at least two bottles on hand, and here’s my laptop background:

Have a good night.

AOTS with a side of rice and beans.

Sup.

Wanted to poop out a quick post at lunch, and I thought what better time to show you what I’m eating! stop rolling your eyes.

So here is my rice and beans:

This is a southern thing. And before you go all “Ewww”, it’s fucking delicious. You can go and hipster whine in the corner all you want, but it’s simple, quick, and delish. It’s just plain white rice and pinto beans. Sometimes, I get creative and use blackeyed peas! Not the band.

So, I’m enjoying some Attack of the Show and rice and beans. I would show you the slab of red velvet cake I’ve already devoured, but I kind of already devoured it, so….I went down on that cake like Elton John on a hot Latino pool boy. Yeah.

Happy Tuesday!

Royal fire crotch.

Yeah, I don’t have anything interesting to really say. Today was pretty mundane. I didn’t have any kind of awesome eating breakthrough, I didn’t work out. I just worked, got home, and drove myself insane trying to get off of the level I’m stuck on in Portal. Took me about an hour to move through three rooms. I’m an awesome video game player as you can tell.

GP is flipping through some DVR’ed content because he knows I’m not paying any kind of attention to the TV. Anytime he sees me pick my iPhone or laptop up, he knows I’ve basically tuned out and I’m not watching anything on TV. So, he’s fast forwarding through last night’s Jimmy Kimmel Live (we’re huge Jimmy Kimmel fans), and Jimmy is talking about the photos that TMZ leaked of a very nude Prince Harry. If you don’t know who Prince Harry is please jump back in your time machine that you obviously came from 1969 in see here.

So, in my opinion, Prince Harry has turned out hotter than I ever thought he would. I’m not into gingers per say (I’m NOT saying I hate gingers before you nutbags start- I just prefer darker hair to ginger), but I do think Harry is waaaay hotter than Prince William is. Everyone always thought William would’ve turned out to be the hotter one, but ALAS! Harry has prevailed. Harry normally has hotter chicks on his arm as well, I think Kate is kind of unattractive.

So, back to the nudies. Apparently, Prince Fire Crotch Harry decided he wanted to do it up in the most royal of ways while partying in Vegas with some “female friends” strippers, and decided to play some rowdy game of none other than, you guessed it, strip pool. Aaaand, as opposed to it’s famous slogan, absolutely NOTHING EVER STAYS IN VEGAS EVER EVER EVER EVER, and our loyal friends at TMZ snatched up some very steamy pics of the Prince and his crown jewels.

See here:

aaand here:

Yah. I’m not sure what’s going in here in this last one, but luckily all royals are born with a customary decency red star over their bums and all is well and covered. Poor lucky strippers. The one in the last pic is basically being mounted like the love vessel she is a common dog. The Queen just wished he’d have tanned before hand. Wait, gingers can’t tan!

Well, thanks to this little escapade, he’s made out worse than Lindsay Lohan at a dry wedding. The Royal family have been spending unlimited amounts of the people of England’s money to make sure these pictures get nowhere, but thankfully, America was formed for this very reason (our forefathers just KNEW this would happen), and we don’t have to answer to the Queen and her minions. We can do whatever we damn well please with pictures we take, and post them wherever we damn well like. Suck it, Queen!

Sadly, I have not been able to find uncensored pics before anyone asks perverts.

So, I’ll leave you with this post and let it all sink in in a sexy, gingery pile in your head. Hopefully, when you go to sleep tonight, you’ll have dreams of naked Princes and strippers.

Hopefully just strippers.