Oh hi. Sorry to the five people who read this blog; it almost appears that I had fallen off of the face of the earth for a sec. Truth is, this week has been so exhausting for some reason. The weird thing is, is that nothing is different though.
Absolutely nothing interesting has happened. I haven’t been anywhere cool, done anything awesome, seen anything worth repeating. I don’t know what happened. I just went to work, came home, ate, and went to bed. Got up the next morning, repeat. Fun stuff, huh? No. Not at all.
That’s life though. As for our current financial situation, we can’t allow ourselves to go out on the weekend,and go eat at like Outback or something. We pay bills, we buy groceries, we have enough for gas til the next pay period, that’s it. It’s depressing, but it is what it is. That’s the life of the average American family. Since the economy sucks ass, and gas is as ass-raping expensive as it is, that’s what ya have. Just enough to get by. And you’re happy with it. But what happens when you’re not happy?
I think about that all the time. I wish I could create something, write something, draw something, say something, that would get me noticed, get me paid, just a little maybe. But isn’t that the dream of everyone? Isn’t everyone thinking the same thing I’m thinking? Well, not everyone. You have to dream first I suppose. Not everyone does though. Some people go through life, accepting what they have and not expecting more. That’s the mentality of most everyone I know, namely my parents. They’re pretty content with the mostly comfortable life they have. Medial home, two cars, a couple TVs, internet, jobs. They’ve got it good compared to most. They didn’t always have it that way, which is why I think they’re so ok with it. But when I look around at my life, I always wonder “What have I done to get myself here?” The answer is always “nothing.” I haven’t done anything. See, I have this self-depreciation thing about me. I always down myself because I didn’t go to college when I graduated high school like everyone else I knew. I just went to work. I had bills. I didn’t want to live at home, so I did what I needed to do and moved out. I met GP when I was 17, and we started dating a few months after I turned 18. I eventually moved into his place about six months later, and I’m still here six years later. There’s a 14 yr age difference between us. People liked to say in the beginning that all I was doing was dating him to have my bills paid. I wish it were that easy. I was always paying at least half of everything. That’s not my style. I make my living, whether you help me or not.
The fucked up part about it was that I had money to go to college with, but I had money to go to a technical college with, not a uni. And I just said “fuck it” and didn’t go. And I have kicked myself in the ass ever since. I get really depressed at times now, thinking about what my life hasn’t become. I knew I would always go to school, become something great, and really make a name for myself. But, I’m almost 24 years old, and nothing to show for it. What the hell.
Everyone tells me I can go back to school, I’m young, there’s still time. I suppose there is, but going back to school is easier than it sounds. You need money to go back, and time above everything. Things I don;t have. And trust me, financial aid won’t help. Already tried that route. They expect me to get my parents to help me pay until I’m 25, and they won’t. That’s the funny part; they’re comfortable, but not good off enough to help me with school. Thanks American financial system.
I don’t know. I know I’m going to eventually go back to school. How, I don’t know. I just really feel bad about my situation sometimes. I just wish I knew how I was going to make a name for myself, so I could fucking start doing something about it.
Can you tell I’ve been kind of feeling sorry for myself lately? Yeah, I’ll stop ranting now. I promise to blog some more. I’m gonna try to get out for a run today when it cools off some. It’s starting to cool down since September has come around. And this coming weekend, I have a wedding, and a big concert to go to! So I’ll be reporting on that… 🙂
Just got to get though the work week.